A Legendary Rematch: The Hare Finally Wins!

Just In: A race everyone has heard of, but a different result? Thats right! In Adams Morgan today, the classic tortoise vs the hare story took an unexpected turn when hare Michael Yates did not stop to rest. Rather, he scortched his opponent, keeping a dead sprint the entire way.

In attendance at the race was Happy Gilmore, and his beutiful wife, Virginia!

We asked Happy and Virginia what they thought of this historic upset..

“I ain’t surprised. That tortoise looked particularly slow.. I mean really, really slow.”

— Happy Gilmore

“Why are you asking me about the race?? Are you Blind? I’m actively bleeding out! I’m literally dying.. Why the Hell isn’t anyone helping me! WTF!?”

— Virginia Venit

Fortunately, there are no hard feelings between the Bunny and Hare, who were reportedly seen hanging out the very next day!

We’d also like to take this moment to pay our respects to the Gilmore family, who unexpectedly lost the life of the beloved Virginia Gilmore. While the cause is unclear, we are told went peacefully, in a non-traumatic way. Our thoughts and prayers go out to them in these difficult times.